A bird in hand....

One of my dad's favourite pieces of advice to me whenever I had to make a serious decision on something was that a bird in hand is worth two in the bush.  Coming from a banker and father I still feel it is good advice (even though I didn't always agree with him at the time).  I've found that it's generally better to be a bit shorthanded now than to risk too much and then to find you have nothing.

I remembered this quote because I was talking to a friend the other day who had had enough of her husband playing the "little boy" and selfishly thinking only of himself and not of her feelings.  She told me that it has been the story of her 20 year marriage and that enough is enough.  She was going to take the matter up once and for all and sort it. Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied is her philosophy at the moment. 

My reaction to that was that if you had to ask my wife about me she would probably say the same thing.  We men somehow don't always seem to grow up... before it's too late and we'll have dropped a mill stone on our toes.  But the thing is, too, that we have now been happily married for 37 years and though the bliss of the honeymoon is well and truly over, and in the past year our two kids were happily married too,  we still move on.  Together.  Now, in my early days of retirement, I find that I have a chance to start afresh, to take my marriage and work on its flaws and fix them.  Even if it may need surgery at some point.  

Most probably it will be solved by the swallowing of.....no, not pills but..... my pride.  I am learning to ignore what irritates me in what she does and am trying to be a good partner to her (I can her her muttering "finally" if she'll read this!!).   It doesn't mean I have to become a floor cloth she can wipe her feet it, it simply means that I have to start seeing things the way I did the first time we met.  And do the things I did in those long ago days.  That was what sparked it all off in us.  That's what will keep us together.

Talking of fatherly advice, I am reminded that Jesus' own advice is pretty much the same on this.  Die to yourself for others.  It doesn't have to be a painful death.  It means more "yes" than "no" I suppose, keeping well in mind, though, that saying "yes" to something or someone would also mean saying "no" to someone or something else.

So to go back to my friend's dilemma..... saying no to her marriage because she's had enough of his chauvinistic approach, might be saying yes to a life that could be worse, no one to share with, no one to thrash in her mind because he's "a fool", no one to come to her aid if she falls and hurts herself or has an accident. 

Better the bird in hand, I guess, than two in the bush.  Robert Browing said it nicely, "Grow old with me, the best is yet to come."

Afterthought: 

I am no marriage expert, but I was wondering if the reasoning I expounded above will hold water if there are serious marital problems in a relationship, such as infidelity or infertility? 

In the latter case, I would say: yes, definitely.  In the former case, I would say: could be, because infidelity wasn't always there in the relationship and, once upon a time, love brought the two together.  They need to look at themselves and ask:  Have we worked enough at the relationship (even to always looking good for the partner as the years pass)? Have we died to ourselves at all or expected the other to submit to us?  Are we ready to forgiven and be forgiven for taking advantage of our partner?

And, you know what, this trend of thought will take us right back where it all started.... better a bird in hand (with all the known problems) than two in the bush!  (Or to use biblical terms: better the devil you know than the one you don't!) 

Preparing to say goodbye...?

Just expressing some reality truths about life - the only definitely and undenaible thing in our lives is that one day we have to go. Death may be such a depressing thing to think about yet it is unavoidable.

I have just returned from the hospital visiting one of my old friends.  Mid-sixties, like me. In the week since I last saw him he has regressed tremendously. Last week it was the usual fun or light conversation between us. "Just here for some tests but should be home by the weekend."   

This is the weekend now and he seems worse than ever.  Could barely speak to me.  We communicated though.  I suggested he ate something but he didn't want.  Managed to persuade him to have some soup.  The morphine is slowing him down but it is at least killing the pain.  The breathing is noisily empty and resounding.  He is dying I said to myself. But then, we all are.  Aren't we?

So my mind stopped playing tricks on me. Why do we fear Death?  Is it perhaps because we are never really prepared for it?  Or perhaps because we are very attached to our life?  Let's face it, we are probably all attached to this life and don't really want to lose it because to some extent we don't really know what awaits us on the other side.  Oh, I am presuming you believe there is something on the other side, right?

So why do we fret?  Are we tied to our possessions and worry who'll get them after we're gone?  Or perhaps what will happen to all the lovely collections we cared for?  Or the investments we made to live a happy future?   How would all this effect your thoughts on your own death?

I asked myself: How do you imagine your own death to be?  And I drew a blank. I hoped it would come fast, without too much pain for me or for my family.  That they would not suffer because of my sudden loeaving.  I would - in typical fashion - exspect that all my "to do" lists would somehow be up-to-date and that  everything unfinished could be finalised quickly and easily by my children. It's a trait I inherited from my parents but especially from father.  He was organised even to after his demise.

Would I leave through an accident?  At home in my room.  Or in a hospital bed as my friend now was. Time would tell.  This blog might even still be doing the rounds when my candle gets snuffed. Yet I feel I do not really fear the passing on.  My bags are ready though, to be honest, I am in no hurry to leave, as the jovial and influential Pope John XXIII had said in the early Sixties.  I trust in my Maker and know that He knows more than I when it is time for me to go.   And I hope it will be Home.  Because what is death?  It is like a ship that leaves the harbour and sails to the horizon, getting smaller and smaller in our sight.  But as she disappears from our sight on the horizon, others are seeing her coming and are saying "Here she comes!"

How wrong can wrong be?

Obviously the reference in the heading here is to sin!  I am presently doing the Spiritual Exercises of St Ignatius and have just completed a few intensive weeks of reflecting on sin in the world and in my own world.  I was particularly intrigued with the many ways in which sin has evolved in our lives, how we allow it to master us and how it controls us. Here are some thoughts on... 

The Sin of One Person

Consider the effect of the sin of one person on others and you will realise that here we are talking of a person who chooses definitively to go against God. This person could be like the rich man in Jesus' parable of the rich man and Lazarus (Luke 16: 19-31). Imagine what it would be like for a person to be totally closed off from God's love.  When you use your imagination to reflect on this situation with modern-day counterparts and based on the current century's sad history of sin, violence, genocide, and injustice, you will realise that things haven't changed much since Jesus' time.

It is not that easy to think of what goes on in such a person's mind when one decides to take on God and go against him directly.  Does one really realise the enormity of one's actions? I think that to sin against God you must really be stooping so low in your life that you cannot distinguish the difference between good and evil, right and wrong.

If you will have have made yourself insensitive to this interior balance, you will have become an "evil" machine that reacts like a human being that does what "it" likes and feels it wants to do, instead of the conscientious human being that God created so that He can shower His blessings and love over His creation. In the Lazarus/rich man parable, the rich man has become everything that is despicable, a greedy, rich and unfeeling person who is unable to see favour in other beings. To him they are probably all equivalent to dogs.  I just read of one of my countrymen who was arrested for keeping East European girls as sex slaves to be used for prostitution. He had lost the dignity of calling himself a human being in the way he reacted with other God-creatures.

Taking the modern image to this parable a little further we can also see how some political leaders can become dictators when they lose all sense of their leadership including their sensitivity to their subjects by imposing their own will on them.  And by not respecting that of their subjects as well.  They see themselves as Gods and their subjects as no better than dogs.  History is littered with similar figures... Hitler, Amine, Hussein, and Gaddafi being recent additions from our lifetime. 

But closer to home I am sure many of you reading this know of someone who has left his/her partner for another purely for the excitement that this brings to their ego.  Yet they fail to see the demoralising and somewhat degrading effect this can leave on their partner.  A jilted wife may say "If he can do it so can I" and the story continues to grow.  The ripple effect of one's sin on another has continued to increase and others may be hurt in the process.  Perhaps even their children, if there are any.  And the sin continues on its inexorable way of destruction of life.

I concluded that when a person is able to become something like any of the above examples then one will have lost all of one's humanity. And becomes no better than an animal.  We may know people in these circumstances and perhaps try to ignore their plight by persuading ourselves that it is not our business to interfere.  But isn't that like compounding the error?

I think....that is what sin does to you.  The march of the sin of one that rampages on....inexorably. 

Where Heaven meets Earth

When we come across a particularly beautiful and tranquil place we often mutter "It's Heaven here!"  But is there a place where we can go to which is where Heaven and earth actually meet? 

An interesting legend I recently read goes that a particularly learned monk who lived in a monastery built far away in the wilderness, found details of this place where earth and Heaven actually meet.  In his heart he had this sudden urge to go and start living there till the Lord would decide it was his time to be called home. 

So he wrote down the details of the route he needed to take, said his farewells to his fellow brother monks and left in search of this ideal place.

He walked down valleys and up mountains.  He passed through forests full of wild animals and poisonous insects.  He suffered hunger and pain as well as great heat or bone-biting cold. Yet his wish to reach this ideal place was so great that it drove him on and on.  He continued to travel at a fast pace so he wouldn't dally.  He wanted to get there as soon as possible.

One day he checked his papers again and realised that he should soon be reaching his goal.  He saw a building in the distance which was also clearly marked on the chart he had.  It stood out starkly against the great wilderness of the mountainside. All alone.  Somehow he seemed to be familiar with it but not wanting to waste time in useless thinking he pressed on.  Now, after all these months of painstaking travelling he was finally nearing his goal.  

As soon as he got to the door he found it was closed.  With a beating heart he knocked and the door opened.  There in front of him was his fellow brother monk who was responsible for the entrance to the monastery.  He received a great welcome and soon they were joined by all the other monks of the monastery who further fussed in greeting him .  He had been away for quite a few months but now he was back with them.  They even rang the monastery bells in joy of his safe return.  But the monk realised that he had come back from where he has left.  Because he had already found Heaven and was living there...yet he hadn't realised it.   

Does the same happen to us?  Let's praise God for the present and wish less for another (unattainable) place which we might think is ideal for us, where there are no crosses to carry and neither problems to face daily. 

We will never find such an ideal place in this world because there's nothing like Heaven.  Really!